09 January 2010

A Never Ending Story...

"There is no refuge from memory and remorse in this world. The spirits of our foolish deeds haunts us, with or without repentance." -Gilbert Parker

I have thought about a lot of things lately. I am reminded of some of the things I have done through out my life and things that have been done to me. I am almost reminded of regrets, and if I have any. I can honestly say I do not. Of course there are things I would have done differently, but that's not a regret. The mistakes I have made have taught me lessons about people, myself and the difference a single gesture can make. I am not going to repeatedly be harsh on myself for something that can not be changed as I will not continually be harsh on someone for something they can not change. The past is an ever changing story in itself. One to be visited often, remembered seldom but never altered. Someone from my life comes to mind: I would like to introduce you to her..

I won't reveal her name due to some people trying to locate my family and friends. So I shall refer to her as "Beth". I first met "Beth" when I was 18. I was a city girl and she was a country girl. To say the least we didn't see eye to eye on anything. I said up, she said down. We attempted to get along, but we were just too young and too different. I can't say I was an easy person back then. I thought I knew it all, I knew what life was about. I was wrong. As time went on, we lost touch and interest with each other. I don't know exactly what it was that brought us back together, but I remember how awkward it was to hang out again. Over the next couple of years, we would see each other and hang out but it wasn't a bonding type of hang out. There were some hellacious arguments and typical young adult stupidity always around us. Little did I know how quickly that would change....

We started to notice the adventures of our past. How, at the time we thought life was boring and silly. But thinking back on it reminded us of just how much fun we were really having. One night around 2am, we decided to go hang out down by the lake in the marina. I parked my truck at a weird angle and and she parked her car right in front of mine. Her and I climbed up on my truck hood and played cards and smoked cigarettes and just talked. We were there for about an hour when we noticed traffic going by on the street next to the parking lot was slowing down and starring at us. Then we realized by the way our cars were parked, it looked like a car accident had taken place. We started laughing about it. From then on, every time we met up in the middle of the night we would park our vehicles in strange ways, mostly just to make it easier to climb up on my truck.

That was the first of many silly things her and I have been through. We always have adventures when we hang out. She is my wing man and I am hers. She is the one who came to my house at 2am because I couldn't handle something I had found out about my ex-at-the-time. She is the one who would tell me I was a dumb ass because I didn't see that a gorgeous guy was hitting on me in the bookstore and I was completely oblivious. She is the one who has stood by me, no matter what, right or wrong and saw the best in me. She is my reason for what little faith I have in people.

Now we do have our differences. We can debate the pros and cons of anything under the sun. You would swear we were arguing to the death about politics, society, relationship issues, terrorism, religion, kids.... I mean everything. But if I was going to debate life with someone, I couldn't imagine doing it with anyone else. Through out these debates, I learn things. Not just about why I stand on the views that I do, but also why some people stand on the views they do. She knows my hunger for knowledge. She shares my thirst for studying many things, regardless if it will effect our lives or not. She calls me and vents about her life as I do with her. We sometimes get bored and will just ask a random questions, one that neither of us knows much about, and we will research and study and debate the answers. We share opinions and never do we lose sight of the fact that they are just opinions. Neither of us feel the need to contact the other's friends and people in their lives just to tract down and intimidate. She and I actually enjoy exchanging differing thoughts and debating the facts. We learn not only about the subject we are discussing, but also more about ourselves and each other. So how do things get so out of hand???

Through talking to her and knowing everything we have been through, I started thinking about current situations and people involved. It doesn't really matter what people think of me or the opinions they carry about my life, my actions or who I am in general. None of this will matter in 10 years. The people and lessons to be learned now can either inhibit my life and those involved with me or help it to prosper. I am not meant to please everyone. I am not wanting to do so. But something her and I share is fundamental through out our lives. How does this matter? We ask ourselves this many times in all different situations.

That got me thinking... Why am I so worried about what people think or how they view my opinion? Answer is: Im not. I know I have friends who believe different than I do on many types of things. But we respect the difference and have a grounded friendship. "Beth" has had a different opinion about things, some serious, but we have always respected boundaries and our connection to each other far outweighs the difference of opinion. Some of the people who don't know or care who I am or what I am about really have no bearing on my life. So what if they don't like me, so what if they don't like my opinions or how I live my life. The only common thread we have linking us to each other is a tit for tat, back and forth mud slinging.

I am amazed to have such an amazing woman in my life. I am honored to know that she will always be there for me and I for her. I am blessed to love her, honored to know her and will always cherish who she is and what she is all about. From the oddly parked cars, the peanut butter police incident at 3am, the endless burgers from McDonald's, the now infamous urinal disk, Copacabana, The Brian fiasco, The Ray epidemic, tinboy, smokie treats, Sife, Lynn's on the 4th of July, endless driving chats, the walks, the endless search for the perfect sunglasses, St. Killian's, Gums, the zoo of endless animals, four wheeling in the snow and getting stuck, almost getting killed by a bus, the chain across the car at the shop, the "chikadee" rapist Harmon, the endless teasing of clowns, the investigations, the cemetery trips, the gossip, the drama, everything that has made our relationship what it is, that is what makes her the real deal. A life shared.

I have no regrets where my life is concerned. I can honestly say I wouldn't change anything. I have had an incredible life and many adventures that have contributed to who I am and what I hold deepest in my heart. I wish circumstances could have been different at times, but even then, there is that chance that I could some how be different by the change of one instance. "Beth" has shown me that the slightest change could take your life in a direction you might not have planned for nor wanted. Her and I both have been down that road.

Lately things have come to my attention and it has come from people who neither know me nor care about me. I don't mind. They are entitled to their opinion of me and that's fine. I will not participate in their need for drama or give them a reason to justify who they need to be. I know that I have not had the best of reactions when these people come around. That is something I have to rectify within myself. But I also know that my life will not depend on what they feel they need to think or do. My life is full of enough adventures with people who are worth it. "Beth" is one of the most amazing people I have ever known and loved. I could NEVER do the things to her that have been done to me and people I know. I have said things to her, just as malicious and cruel as I have said to others who come after me recently. But the difference between "Beth" and them is "Beth" knows when I am angry and am saying something out of that anger. She doesn't for one second believe that what I said sums me up as a person or dictates who I am. She knows everyone gets upset and says hurtful things. As she has said to me many times, "Sometimes you just need to get it out"... If anyone can understand that, I can.

I have no concern over the people how don't approve or care in the slightest about me or what I stand for. I take notice for the people who have stood by me and have created adventures of our own. "Beth" is a shining example of a life shared with someone. I have made some amazing new friends recently and I look forward to be able to have some of these adventures of our own. "Beth" is not only my best friend, but my sister. As much as I have taught her in life, she too, has taught me: In all things, there is a reason and a lesson. She reminds me that regardless of the situation, the only ones that matter at the end of the day are the ones you invite into your heart to share your life with. "Beth" is such a person. She will disagree, but she is my angel, my reason, my biggest fan, and I will always love her for it....

I reflect on these memories not just of "Beth" but on my interaction with people in general. I don't regret anything I have done and I have learned from my actions. My past will always be present in my life. I reflect on it to remind me of what I have been through, the people I have met along the way and the special loves I have been blessed and honored with in sharing my life with them and theirs with me.

Until Next Time....