It's Never Too Late To...

"Regret is the absense of a lesson learned." - J. MacKenna

We do so much to people in our lives, they do so much to us. We spend so much time holding on to the pain and the hurts, daydreaming of revenge or payback. We carry the baggage of our pains around with us like a subconcious security blanket, so when that pain comes around again, we will know what it feels like, from before. Like an uncomfortable old shoe that still sits in our closet. We let the pain define us, change us and shape our views and attitudes. How many sit back and actually think about the pain we've caused others and the pain people have caused us? There is no escaping hurting someone or causing someone pain. Yes, there are people out there who carry deep scars and pain that we caused them, knowingly or not. It's a bitter pill to swallow. I know I have hurt people and while I may not remember everything I have done, I know they do. There's not one of us who is innocent, not one of us who doesn't have old scars and pain from things we've been through. We may be aware of what we've done, we may not but it's important to remember that someone was effected by us and they haven't forgotten. It's not always enough to say sorry. While many of us get to the point of learning valuable lessons from the wrong done to us or the wrong we’ve done, there is one final step that needs to happen in order to truly move past it. Forgiveness. See forgiveness isnt about them, it's about you. It's about what you release from your heart and soul. It's about freeing yourself. I pray that people forgive me for the things I’ve done, regardless of how great or small my transgression was but for that to happen, I have to take that final step too. Now this a collective, not from one person alone but a lifetime. Here is my final step to those who've hurt me:

I forgive you for not being there when I needed you the most. I forgive you for not loving me. I forgive you for telling me I was a mistake. I forgive you for not wanting me. I forgive you for lying to me. I forgive you for whipping me. I forgive you for beating me. I forgive you for hurting me. I forgive you for saying I didn’t matter and would never amount to anything. I forgive you for not showing you cared. I forgive you for crashing my car. I forgive you for raping me. I forgive you for breaking me and shattering my faith in you. I forgive you for poisoning me. I forgive you for laughing at me when I cried. I forgive you for treating me different and holding it against me. I forgive you for criticizing my weight or my looks. I forgive you for judging me. I forgive you for hating me. I forgive you for saying that I’m replaceable. I forgive you for cheating on me. I forgive you for forgetting about me. I forgive you for throwing my faith in my face. I forgive you for wishing me dead. I forgive you for not trying for me as hard as I tried for you. I forgive you for trying to come between me and my children. I forgive you for setting my car on fire with me inside. I forgive you for trashing my Bible as a way to hurt me. I forgive you for not wanting me at all. I forgive you for lying about my dad. I forgive you for taking advantage of me. I forgive you for not choosing me. I forgive you for trying to find me to kill me after I left you. I forgive you for killing yourself instead of calling me. I forgive you for hurting my family. I forgive you for slapping me. I forgive you for leaving your footprints on my ribs and your knuckle prints on my face. I forgive you for spreading lies behind my back. I forgive you for taking your stresses out on me. I forgive you for leaving me. I forgive you for the names you’ve called me. I forgive you for saying you regret me. I forgive you for comparing me to other women, even my own family. I forgive you for stealing from me. I forgive you for choking me. I forgive you for sleeping with my best friend. I forgive you for the threats and the bruises. I forgive you for the things I can't remember but have left pain in my heart.

But most of all, I forgive you.. because God forgave me.

God, Politics and the U.S.A.

I was recently asked, "Why don't you advocate for God the way you advocate for politics?"... My answer is: I do.. just not in a screaming in your face way. Here is what I mean. This country was founded on the Christian principles found in the Bible and the ability to practice that faith, or any faith, without government interference. Blood was shed for those beliefs and a nation was born. Now fast forward a few years. Not everyone believes in God. Not everyone believes in much of anything anymore but the biggest movement I have noticed is by the atheists to remove any resemblance of God from the public forum. Karl Marx said "My object in life is to dethrone God and destroy capitalism." In his efforts, he has laid out the work for the fall of this country. Over the years, we have seen so much of our moral fiber and societal views degrade into an acceptable way of life. But why??? Why is it acceptable to leave God out of our lives? Why is it acceptable to take for granted all that this country was founded on and built upon? Why is it acceptable to not question our leaders, our government, when they have sold us out, betrayed us and are stripping us of our God given rights as human beings??? WHY IS THAT ACCEPTABLE??? Answer is: It's not. As a Christian, at times, I have fallen from God. I have at times even forgot what it was like to be in His grace. But looking back, I also see that the more I pulled away, the more I pushed Him out of my life, the more my life became like the state of this country: In ruins, despair, full of hopelessness and pain. A very traumatic incident in my life showed me that I had fallen so far and had my faith in such a wrong place that I was driving the wedge between God and myself. God gave me the clarity to see that my faith needed to be on Him and Him alone. Nothing man could make, teach, sell or buy could ever shake my faith. Man can try but man will fail. Then I started looking at our government. Oh how the mighty have fallen. I'm not referring to our government when I say that. I'm referring to you, me... We The People. We have been force fed so many lies, pushed into so many acceptabilities, in the dark for so long that we haven't even seen the damage we have done. We allow for so many people to feed us, nurture us, save us and guide us that we haven't seen the wolf in sheep's clothing. We have allowed our schools to take God out of there because some leftist has an agenda. We have allowed the Ten Commandments to be an afterthought in polite society. We have been conditioned to watch this country fall apart and push God aside yet we complain because of the state we are in. We put ourselves here. We elected officials who put God on the back burner or use God as a campaign slogan without really knowing if they believe not only in us as a people or in this country, but in God himself. But stop for one second. Take a look around. This country couldn't be further from what it was originally based on: God and freedom. We as a society accept so much yet never question it. But in doing so, we, as a society, have also never been further from God. God should be in all of the schools, business, restaurants, amusement parks, military, colleges, government... yet, He's not. Before we know it, this country, especially under current administration, will fall. Not just further away from God, but right into the hands of our enemies. Our military is smaller, our debt is skyrocketing, our morals are loose. Do you think for one second, once America finally hits rock bottom, our enemies won't use that as the perfect time to make their move? What other country has what it takes to fight China or Russia if it came down to it? Answer: NONE!!! If America falls, so will the rest of the free world. Fast forward to current times. As a whole, this country is full of sin. Marriages don't last, children are resentful one parent is missing or abandon them, jobs are scarce, children go to bed hungry or fearful of what the next day brings, parents are fearful of where their next check is coming from, stress tears friendships and families apart. That is exactly what is needed to undermine the foundations of what this country once stood for. God has shown us time and time again that a weak foundation falters every time. Think back to the earlier times when families were strong, when the economy was booming, when life wasn't so threatened. When WW2 happened, the US was looked at for support and help. People were flocking to this country because of what we stood for: Families, Jobs, good Christian values... The American Dream. Now look at us. We are a joke. China looks at us and calls our leader a traitor. We have massive drugs problems, parents killing their kids, porn gone rampant, divorces are the new quickie and marriages have turned into a business while God, morals, principles and truth have fallen into the thing of the past. Why do I pull politics and God together? For this reason: God is the only one who can save us. Not only our country from our enemies, but also save ourselves. I love living here and I am blessed with what God has given me, both in family and friends and in life. I look around and see His touch everywhere. Beauty both in land and people. I am blessed to live in America but America is being threatened on a daily basis and we, as a people, aren't doing anything about it. I have seen on facebook a picture going around that says "student: God, why did you let that bad man into our school? God: I'm not allowed in school, remember?" How sad that is. I remember as a kid saying the pledge of allegiance in school, I remember talking about God in school. I remember seeing the Ten Commandments in courthouses. I remember doing Christmas plays about Jesus's birth. I remember seeing Nativity scenes in town. I remember seeing Merry Christmas everywhere. I remember Christmas caroling with songs about Christ. Now I look around and don't see much of that anymore. Non-believers have stitched themselves into the fabric of this country and are doing a bang up job of pushing God out of the way. We The People need to take back our country, take back our right to see God anywhere we want. We the people need to get back the morals, conviction and faith in God. God gave us a voice, a life, a choice. What have we chosen? We have chosen to elect officials who don't believe in Him. We have chosen to let our families fall apart. We have chosen to accept the change without question or accountability. We have chosen to let God be pushed aside in our public and political forums without responsibility. God said "Whom much is given, much is required" (Luke 12:48). God has given us so much and this is how we repay Him? We have to answer for those choices. I have to answer for my choices. For sins I am aware of, and for sins I don't know I've committed. I have lots to answer for. God doesn't want this for us. God doesn't want us to be jealous of our neighbors. He doesn't want us to be full of hate. He doesn't want us to be morally empty and sinfully full. He wants us to call out to Him, depend on Him, pray to Him and let Him take over. He gives us a family yet we don't put Him in the middle so our families fall apart. Society says it's ok so we get divorced. He gives us blessed angels as children. Yet we don't teach them all of the things He wants us to teach them. They turn from God because society says it's ok. He gives us friends and family, yet without Him in the picture, we fight and argue, build resentments and hatred. It all falls apart. Society says get new ones and forget about them. GOD DIDN"T WANT THAT!!! Here's the thing: WE THE PEOPLE are society. WE dictate what's allowed in this country and what isn't. WE decide what we will put up with and what we won't. But here is the grace God gives us: It's not too late. We can be saved in every way that matters. We need to turn to God for the strength, for the opportunity, for the forgiveness. What do you want to see America become? It's up to you and I. WE DECIDE... Bringing God back into this country, back into the forefront of our lives, as this country was intended, is our only hope. Not only for our salvation eternally, but our salvation of families, faith, morals and principles. We can do this... as a society, a people, a God believing nation. Will you stand up for God and be the real change this country needs?

The Most Beautiful Soul...

My Dearest Little Man,

Time with you went by too soon. The short time we were blessed with you is time I will always treasure. You have changed our lives in ways we can't put into words. Your smile warmed the coldest night and the memory of you gives us reason to keep going. I will always miss the way you were so curious and always felt the need to hide things anywhere, just because they fit into whatever you were playing with. I laugh at how you would chew on the stuffed monkey's butt. I will never forget the first time you saw your own reflection and were so puzzled, but when you smiled at yourself, you scared yourself and cried. Your precious face still resonates in my mind, a reminder of how beautiful you were, inside and out. You will never be alone. You are and always will be God's gift to everyone who knew you. Your memory lives on, your smile touches lives daily. You're alive in our hearts, always will be. You were taken from us way too soon but that only makes the time we had you, the time you gave us, the year you changed our lives forever, that much more meaningful. We know we will see you again. Until then, play with the angels, walk the streets of heaven, look in on us from time to time and let us know how happy and at peace you are. You will always be my little man, I will always be your Nonni. I know you're waiting for all of us up there, but know we have unfinished business here to do first. You will always be one of my greatest loves, my highest hope, my deepest inspiration. I love you Jericho. Missing you always, Love Nonni.

The quiet of the night will never be the same. My rocking chair will never be used for balance just to be close to me or to cut his teeth on. His Steelers blanket will never be bundled up and giggled in. His voice will always resonate in the amazing memories he left behind. His giggle will always echo in the house as will his smile. I will miss so much about him, the way he would pull himself up and be so proud of himself, then fall down and get fussy but always get back up and try again taught me to never give up. The way he would jump up and down when his Steelers blanket was being brought to him taught me to take joy in simple things. He would sit in his high chair when eating and dance to music that was playing, as if it was written for him taught me to have fun in all things I do. The way he would stick out his tongue and stay that way until someone would do it back taught me to be silly every chance I get. He would sigh twice in his sleep as he was settling in taught me to slow down and enjoy the quiet moments. Even as young as he was, he has taught me about life without even trying. Jericho may have only been here for a short time, but his life, his love, his joy has touched hundreds of lives. He had a way of looking at you that pierced your heart, a smile that made you forget your troubles and hug that embraced your soul. He is and always will be loved and dearly missed. God felt the need to call him home. I guess the angels needed him more than we do. He lives on, not only in our hearts and memories, but in every smile, every tear, every dream that he has touched. I love you Jericho.

The Unexpected Change....

It seems that life has a funny way of showing you things, even if you aren't looking. It's not a matter of paying attention to circumstances around you, it's about circumstances paying attention to you. People often say change is a good thing because it affords you the opportunity to grow and learn. But what if the lesson is one that isn't yours to learn? What if you're only meant to witness someone else's lesson and be there for moral support? Circumstances aren't always in your control, but the lesson learned is and what you do with it makes the difference.

Recently, someone very close to me has revealed some things about how he feels and how he looks at life. It opened my eyes about what I was missing in my life and the direction I wanted to go as opposed to the direction I was headed. I watched as he ran through his daily routines, errands that needed to be done, hobbies and things that made him happy and stresses that made him upset. I thought about the chaos and stresses in my life and what I was doing about them. It's an amazing thing when someone sees who you are above and beyond all of the daily facades that seem to make up who we appear to be. A simple conversation can be life changing if shared in the right way, with the right people at the right time. We shared many of these conversations and the lightbulb went on.

After talking to him, I looked back on my life and the people I have met along the way. Some were a waste of time, others were inspiring, while even more were people who taught something, left a mark, impacted my life in one way or another. I realized I had been living my life for others and what they expected instead of living my life for me and up to my expectations. It was a heartbreaking moment. I realized I gave up on my heart's desires. I gave up on the romance and passion that's out there. I gave up on wanting to taste life, feel the heat of love, embrace the cold winter nights with a cup of coffee and some good conversation by the fireplace. I had resolved myself to being okay that I was just good enough. I don't want to be good enough. I want to more than good enough. I want to be one that is thought of when someone thinks of a song, or drive's by a restaurant where we have memories. I want to be a life of memories for people who are a life of memories for me. I was once told that my idea of love is flawed, that I have watched too many chick flicks and read too many romance novels. I disagree.

Who says I can't share those moments with someone? Who says those moments don't exist? As far as I can see, everyone else says that. But what about the people who have had it, felt it, touched it and tasted it? I feel I am not alone in this. I feel many people out there want the same things but are afraid like I was to go for it. I'm not afraid anymore. I know it will be worse than finding a needle in a haystack but I will never know if it is real or not unless I try. I have spent many nights crying myself to sleep because I was buying into the societal notion that what I want doesn't exist and I'm a fool for thinking so. I'm done crying, I'm done dreaming about it. I'm going back to living it, even if others think I'm a fool for doing so.

I have reached a point in my life where I don't care what people think is foolish or not. So what if I dance around my house, sing loudly (and off key) to my favorite songs, organize my books the way I like them (the order makes sense to me). Who cares if I listen to the same song over and over, if I want to watch a movie a few times because it makes me feel sappy and romantic to see the guy get the girl he dreams of (or vice versa). I like driving for hours, playing with my hair, reading a familiar book for the hundredth time, sitting on a mountain side and imagining what's going on in the lives of the people down below. I LOVE thunderstorms and mythology, inside jokes (cracker jack prize in a box phones, SchmarmyBucks Coffee and how some people need to stop being John Denver tree hugging hippies and stop trying to get me to get in touch with my hippie side.. NOT gonna happen and it's Small, Medium, Large, Learn it, Know it, Get it right, lobster vs owl, Pranks Wars, K-man and so many others). I like being different, be unique, being genuine. Honesty is not a goal, but a way of life. Tears don't always mean your sad and pain reminds you to appreciate the good times when they come along.

I'm going on a road trip in a few weeks and I'm going to grab life and love it. Am I going to get my picture of my truck on a California beach at sunset? Yes and then I'm going to sit down and listen to the waves as they come crashing along the shoreline. Am I going to smile and make people laugh, meet up with old friends and reminisce about old times, create new ones and see just how much we all haven't changed? Yes I am and I'm going to love every minute of it. I'm going to try new foods, try new adventures, find a piece of my heart that has been missing for so many years. I'm going on a trip to find me again, to find my heart's desire and fall in love with life again. Who knows what else I might find... But whatever it is, I'm sure it will be life changing and I hope for the better.

Don't be afraid to live more, love deeper, laugh louder and just plain old go for it. There is nothing wrong with wanting passion, romantic evenings, laughter or just to be noticed for who you are because of the beauty you hold inside. Every movie, every song, every romance book is based on someone's experience or desire. It truly is the little things that make the difference. Like I said before, a simple conversation can change your life. A joke can give way to a shared memory that will make someone laugh every time they think of it. A tear falling can leave someone wanting to wipe it away for you. A simple hug can make you feel at home. The words "I Love You" can sear into your heart where it will stay forever if said by the right person. Why not try to make some of those happen? I will let you know how my vacation goes... Who knows, I may just find the unexpected...

Until Next Time...

Differences, People And Life's Lessons...

What attracts us to the people in our lives? Is it the way they look, the possessions they have, the clothes they wear, their faith, their beliefs, the movies they watch, the jokes they crack, their sarcasm, their compassion?? Why do we want the people in our lives to be there? Would our lives be different, drastically altered or stay the same if one, some or all of them were gone?? I have thought about this for sometime. I thought I had people in my life because of like minded ideals, beliefs and outlooks. But that didn't explain the people in my life who believed different than me, or had different outlooks or faith, opinions or principles. So I thought about it again. Then something dawned on me.... Would I want the same people in my life now that I knew years ago? The cool people back then have a different life than I do. Maybe they aren't so cool now. Maybe the not-so-cool people back then would be amazing now. Truth is, there are A LOT of people back then that are not in my life now. The people in my life now are here because i want them to be and vice versa. People change. It doesn't matter if they do the changing or I do. Thing is, once those changes are made, circumstances change, then outlooks and feelings and before you know it, your old self is but an empty shell. I know if I had met the teen me now, I would not want that person in my life. That is how much I have changed over the years. One of the true rarities in life is finding someone who knew you then, stood by you through the changes, and still wants you now.. May even want you later when you change some more. The thing that I do know that sets people apart is the lack of knowledge, the unwillingness to try, the forgotten gift of forgiveness and the healing of laughter and love. I know I don't always get it right, I make plenty of mistakes and I am still learning. One thing I do know is people from my past and people currently in my life have taught me more than any ivy league education could ever imagine teaching me. I can't explain why each and every person is in my life. I know some are here for a short time until one of us changes something. Others will be here for a longer time and even fewer will be around for the long haul. Some people are just meant to only be in your life for a season, some only for a year, some only for bit longer of a time period and a select few for a lifetime. I have lost some amazing people over the years. Some of it is my doing, some of it was theirs, some of it was out of anyones control and they sit with God now. But I take from each person a precious memory, and leave a piece of my heart with them. I am a firm believer that everyone leaves a mark. I can't say everyone's mark on me is something I will treasure, but I can say every mark left has a lesson attached to it. Now whether the person who left that mark or not is a good person, that is debatable. Point is, a mark was left and it is up to me to decide how to remember that person. For the ones who have left, served their purpose, and have moved on, I thank you for contributing to my life, for leaving your mark. For those that are in my life now, I appreciate every moment we share. Whether it be a short time longer before we part ways or we stick through the nonsense, know that as I get older, I appreciate knowing you and hope it doesn't end soon. I pray some of the people I know now are in this for the long haul, however long God allows my life to be. I am praying it is a very long time to go, but if your in my life for the long haul, strap yourself in, take a deep breath and know this will be quite an adventure. I know I have not made the best of every single opportunity to help, care or understand someone who has come into my life, regardless of circumstances. There are certain people I would love to get to know, but because of missed opportunities, that will never happen. Both sides are missing out on something that could be amazing or they are blessed because they averted a complete disaster. Either way, I will never know and that is a sorrowful reality. Don't miss out on the chances you have to make a difference or leave a mark on someone's life. No one is promised tomorrow. Would you really want to miss out on something amazing because of differences you think you have with someone? It is ok to have a different view, have a different feeling, be a different person. It is ok to change and grow. But if someone in your life matters to you now, then do it with them instead of fighting to make them see your side, or fighting with them to be left alone. There is no sense in trying to change someone else to be like you when in time you won't even be the same as you are now. I have rambled enough but I look forward to knowing more, growing more, loving and laughing because God knows when my time is up and I don't want to waste time arguing or pointing out differences when they should be celebrated. As someone I care about recently found out, tomorrow's don't always come so enjoy today with the people in your life while you can. Make a difference instead of always trying to change one. Until Next Time....

A Look Into Your Soul...

I woke up this morning with a migraine. Not wanting to do much because of the pain, I made some coffee and looked out onto my back porch. Here it is, the end of May and we are under a winter advisory. It is one of those days where you don't want to go anywhere or do anything only now with a migraine. I signed online to look up some things and to check a few things with all intent to get back to work on the movie. But someone had other plans. I came across this video that really made me think. After watching it, I sat and stared out my window in deep thought. I want to share this with you and hopefully you will find in yourself what I have found in me.

In thinking about my life and the people in it and not in it anymore, I found out something about myself. I have carried a lot of anger over the years. Anger from my childhood and certain people involved, anger at family who is no longer in my life (either by death or by their choice to leave) and anger about situations I have experienced over the years. I can't explain why they made the choices they made but I can explain the choices I have made. One of those choices is to forgive them. Whether or not they forgive me it their choice and they will deal with God about that. But in my heart and deep in my soul, I forgive them. It doesn't matter if it is family, friends, co-workers, ex-spouses or what have you. I have been wronged in my life. Many things happened to me that no one should ever go through. I am still forgiving them.

This is dedicated to those I care about, my family, friends, and those I have lost. I dedicate this to those who are suffering from pain, experiencing joy, falling in love or are broken from abuses of the past. I also dedicate this to those who seem to delight in the suffering of others... If someone like this can find happiness, who are you to try and take it away. I dedicate this to the ones I don't really like because I am hoping that this will motivate them to be honest, to be truthful and above all respectful when dealing with anyone about any situation. I know that is asking a lot but smaller things have happened and greater things have changed lives. For me, this is one of the great things. Enjoy....



(Page link to above video)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gc4HGQHgeFE

Now if you don't mind, I am going to play outside in the rain and cold with my kids... Headache or not, I am going to enjoy this day...

Until Next Time....

Statistics, Porn and Disney...

To others:
As for statistical data, therapists (most) do not go around handing out educational hand outs on sex... they make references to adult materials and toys, role playing and fantasies. They also do not recommend certain movies or toys or anything. They simply guide the couple to other avenues of sensuality and sexual exploration.

Why must everything be broken down into lamens terms when people claim to be smart and educated on this??? I'm really tired of explaining things twice or more because someone gets A-moral-typical with someone's statement...

For those that need it explained more:

Porn is up to each and every individual. If you like it then so be it... keep it legal... if you don't then stay the hell out of bedroom business that you're not involved in. I think it was wrong to have the computer in her bedroom but if he wanted to watch porn... more power to him... Just because you don't like porn doesn't mean everyone is a dirty bird because they like something different.. Seriously, enough with the porn police...

A question for all of the porn police out there:
Ever watch a Disney movie??? Remember how many of their movies have been recalled or re-released because of pornographic images?(little mermaid, lions king.. just to name a couple) Would it surprise you to know that Disney has stock in the porn industry??? Not so family driven now huh??

Now on to Disney.....
1.Miramax is owned by Disney:
Kids (Miramax) was described by Variety magazine as "one of the most controversial American movies ever made." According to Newsweek, "The film follows a number of barely pubescent-looking boys and girls around New York City as they smoke pot, bait gays, beat a black man and engage in graphic sex. "Under pressure Miramax formed an independent company to market and distribute the pornographic movie." (Daily Variety, 1/27/95; Newsweek, 2/20/95; Wall Street Journal, 3/30/95; Associated Press, 6/29/95)

2. When Disney's Hollywood Records released an album by the band Sacred Reich, they sent thousands of marijuana bongs to radio stations as an advertising ploy to get them to play the record. Yet Disney claims a staunch and rabidly anti-drug stance.

3. In 1989 Disney became a partner, and the one to own the largest % of shares in, Viewer's Choice "Hot Choice" - a leader in Pay-Per-View cable soft porn. Until Disney showed up, Viewer's Choice had only played action films and comedies. The profits were decent but Disney wanted better, and decided to launch the "soft porn" division in 1993. To develop original programming for their creation, Disney offered porn star Becky LeBeau a $7-figure deal and share of the profits. She appeared in many films herself and hosted an all-nude modeling program which showed explicit footage of women, some as young as 18. Disney also signed the infamous and famous Marilyn Chambers, a veteran hard core porn star, to an exclusive multi-project deal a year after she won the "Lifetime Achievement Award" from the Adult Video Association.

4. Bands signed by Disney owned and funded Hollywood Records:
Human Waste Product - who sing about sex with the Virgin Mary while calling Her a "wh***".

Just some info for the porn police to think about next time they wish to speak out about the morality of porn on families and children. Children shouldn't be watching porn in the first place, but you bring up family structure: What about the one thing that preaches family this and that.... See where they keep their cookies??? Makes you think...

http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/Disney/Interests.html

Until Next Time...

A Never Ending Story...

"There is no refuge from memory and remorse in this world. The spirits of our foolish deeds haunts us, with or without repentance." -Gilbert Parker

I have thought about a lot of things lately. I am reminded of some of the things I have done through out my life and things that have been done to me. I am almost reminded of regrets, and if I have any. I can honestly say I do not. Of course there are things I would have done differently, but that's not a regret. The mistakes I have made have taught me lessons about people, myself and the difference a single gesture can make. I am not going to repeatedly be harsh on myself for something that can not be changed as I will not continually be harsh on someone for something they can not change. The past is an ever changing story in itself. One to be visited often, remembered seldom but never altered. Someone from my life comes to mind: I would like to introduce you to her..

I won't reveal her name due to some people trying to locate my family and friends. So I shall refer to her as "Beth". I first met "Beth" when I was 18. I was a city girl and she was a country girl. To say the least we didn't see eye to eye on anything. I said up, she said down. We attempted to get along, but we were just too young and too different. I can't say I was an easy person back then. I thought I knew it all, I knew what life was about. I was wrong. As time went on, we lost touch and interest with each other. I don't know exactly what it was that brought us back together, but I remember how awkward it was to hang out again. Over the next couple of years, we would see each other and hang out but it wasn't a bonding type of hang out. There were some hellacious arguments and typical young adult stupidity always around us. Little did I know how quickly that would change....

We started to notice the adventures of our past. How, at the time we thought life was boring and silly. But thinking back on it reminded us of just how much fun we were really having. One night around 2am, we decided to go hang out down by the lake in the marina. I parked my truck at a weird angle and and she parked her car right in front of mine. Her and I climbed up on my truck hood and played cards and smoked cigarettes and just talked. We were there for about an hour when we noticed traffic going by on the street next to the parking lot was slowing down and starring at us. Then we realized by the way our cars were parked, it looked like a car accident had taken place. We started laughing about it. From then on, every time we met up in the middle of the night we would park our vehicles in strange ways, mostly just to make it easier to climb up on my truck.

That was the first of many silly things her and I have been through. We always have adventures when we hang out. She is my wing man and I am hers. She is the one who came to my house at 2am because I couldn't handle something I had found out about my ex-at-the-time. She is the one who would tell me I was a dumb ass because I didn't see that a gorgeous guy was hitting on me in the bookstore and I was completely oblivious. She is the one who has stood by me, no matter what, right or wrong and saw the best in me. She is my reason for what little faith I have in people.

Now we do have our differences. We can debate the pros and cons of anything under the sun. You would swear we were arguing to the death about politics, society, relationship issues, terrorism, religion, kids.... I mean everything. But if I was going to debate life with someone, I couldn't imagine doing it with anyone else. Through out these debates, I learn things. Not just about why I stand on the views that I do, but also why some people stand on the views they do. She knows my hunger for knowledge. She shares my thirst for studying many things, regardless if it will effect our lives or not. She calls me and vents about her life as I do with her. We sometimes get bored and will just ask a random questions, one that neither of us knows much about, and we will research and study and debate the answers. We share opinions and never do we lose sight of the fact that they are just opinions. Neither of us feel the need to contact the other's friends and people in their lives just to tract down and intimidate. She and I actually enjoy exchanging differing thoughts and debating the facts. We learn not only about the subject we are discussing, but also more about ourselves and each other. So how do things get so out of hand???

Through talking to her and knowing everything we have been through, I started thinking about current situations and people involved. It doesn't really matter what people think of me or the opinions they carry about my life, my actions or who I am in general. None of this will matter in 10 years. The people and lessons to be learned now can either inhibit my life and those involved with me or help it to prosper. I am not meant to please everyone. I am not wanting to do so. But something her and I share is fundamental through out our lives. How does this matter? We ask ourselves this many times in all different situations.

That got me thinking... Why am I so worried about what people think or how they view my opinion? Answer is: Im not. I know I have friends who believe different than I do on many types of things. But we respect the difference and have a grounded friendship. "Beth" has had a different opinion about things, some serious, but we have always respected boundaries and our connection to each other far outweighs the difference of opinion. Some of the people who don't know or care who I am or what I am about really have no bearing on my life. So what if they don't like me, so what if they don't like my opinions or how I live my life. The only common thread we have linking us to each other is a tit for tat, back and forth mud slinging.

I am amazed to have such an amazing woman in my life. I am honored to know that she will always be there for me and I for her. I am blessed to love her, honored to know her and will always cherish who she is and what she is all about. From the oddly parked cars, the peanut butter police incident at 3am, the endless burgers from McDonald's, the now infamous urinal disk, Copacabana, The Brian fiasco, The Ray epidemic, tinboy, smokie treats, Sife, Lynn's on the 4th of July, endless driving chats, the walks, the endless search for the perfect sunglasses, St. Killian's, Gums, the zoo of endless animals, four wheeling in the snow and getting stuck, almost getting killed by a bus, the chain across the car at the shop, the "chikadee" rapist Harmon, the endless teasing of clowns, the investigations, the cemetery trips, the gossip, the drama, everything that has made our relationship what it is, that is what makes her the real deal. A life shared.

I have no regrets where my life is concerned. I can honestly say I wouldn't change anything. I have had an incredible life and many adventures that have contributed to who I am and what I hold deepest in my heart. I wish circumstances could have been different at times, but even then, there is that chance that I could some how be different by the change of one instance. "Beth" has shown me that the slightest change could take your life in a direction you might not have planned for nor wanted. Her and I both have been down that road.

Lately things have come to my attention and it has come from people who neither know me nor care about me. I don't mind. They are entitled to their opinion of me and that's fine. I will not participate in their need for drama or give them a reason to justify who they need to be. I know that I have not had the best of reactions when these people come around. That is something I have to rectify within myself. But I also know that my life will not depend on what they feel they need to think or do. My life is full of enough adventures with people who are worth it. "Beth" is one of the most amazing people I have ever known and loved. I could NEVER do the things to her that have been done to me and people I know. I have said things to her, just as malicious and cruel as I have said to others who come after me recently. But the difference between "Beth" and them is "Beth" knows when I am angry and am saying something out of that anger. She doesn't for one second believe that what I said sums me up as a person or dictates who I am. She knows everyone gets upset and says hurtful things. As she has said to me many times, "Sometimes you just need to get it out"... If anyone can understand that, I can.

I have no concern over the people how don't approve or care in the slightest about me or what I stand for. I take notice for the people who have stood by me and have created adventures of our own. "Beth" is a shining example of a life shared with someone. I have made some amazing new friends recently and I look forward to be able to have some of these adventures of our own. "Beth" is not only my best friend, but my sister. As much as I have taught her in life, she too, has taught me: In all things, there is a reason and a lesson. She reminds me that regardless of the situation, the only ones that matter at the end of the day are the ones you invite into your heart to share your life with. "Beth" is such a person. She will disagree, but she is my angel, my reason, my biggest fan, and I will always love her for it....

I reflect on these memories not just of "Beth" but on my interaction with people in general. I don't regret anything I have done and I have learned from my actions. My past will always be present in my life. I reflect on it to remind me of what I have been through, the people I have met along the way and the special loves I have been blessed and honored with in sharing my life with them and theirs with me.

Until Next Time....