21 November 2010

The Unexpected Change....

It seems that life has a funny way of showing you things, even if you aren't looking. It's not a matter of paying attention to circumstances around you, it's about circumstances paying attention to you. People often say change is a good thing because it affords you the opportunity to grow and learn. But what if the lesson is one that isn't yours to learn? What if you're only meant to witness someone else's lesson and be there for moral support? Circumstances aren't always in your control, but the lesson learned is and what you do with it makes the difference.

Recently, someone very close to me has revealed some things about how he feels and how he looks at life. It opened my eyes about what I was missing in my life and the direction I wanted to go as opposed to the direction I was headed. I watched as he ran through his daily routines, errands that needed to be done, hobbies and things that made him happy and stresses that made him upset. I thought about the chaos and stresses in my life and what I was doing about them. It's an amazing thing when someone sees who you are above and beyond all of the daily facades that seem to make up who we appear to be. A simple conversation can be life changing if shared in the right way, with the right people at the right time. We shared many of these conversations and the lightbulb went on.

After talking to him, I looked back on my life and the people I have met along the way. Some were a waste of time, others were inspiring, while even more were people who taught something, left a mark, impacted my life in one way or another. I realized I had been living my life for others and what they expected instead of living my life for me and up to my expectations. It was a heartbreaking moment. I realized I gave up on my heart's desires. I gave up on the romance and passion that's out there. I gave up on wanting to taste life, feel the heat of love, embrace the cold winter nights with a cup of coffee and some good conversation by the fireplace. I had resolved myself to being okay that I was just good enough. I don't want to be good enough. I want to more than good enough. I want to be one that is thought of when someone thinks of a song, or drive's by a restaurant where we have memories. I want to be a life of memories for people who are a life of memories for me. I was once told that my idea of love is flawed, that I have watched too many chick flicks and read too many romance novels. I disagree.

Who says I can't share those moments with someone? Who says those moments don't exist? As far as I can see, everyone else says that. But what about the people who have had it, felt it, touched it and tasted it? I feel I am not alone in this. I feel many people out there want the same things but are afraid like I was to go for it. I'm not afraid anymore. I know it will be worse than finding a needle in a haystack but I will never know if it is real or not unless I try. I have spent many nights crying myself to sleep because I was buying into the societal notion that what I want doesn't exist and I'm a fool for thinking so. I'm done crying, I'm done dreaming about it. I'm going back to living it, even if others think I'm a fool for doing so.

I have reached a point in my life where I don't care what people think is foolish or not. So what if I dance around my house, sing loudly (and off key) to my favorite songs, organize my books the way I like them (the order makes sense to me). Who cares if I listen to the same song over and over, if I want to watch a movie a few times because it makes me feel sappy and romantic to see the guy get the girl he dreams of (or vice versa). I like driving for hours, playing with my hair, reading a familiar book for the hundredth time, sitting on a mountain side and imagining what's going on in the lives of the people down below. I LOVE thunderstorms and mythology, inside jokes (cracker jack prize in a box phones, SchmarmyBucks Coffee and how some people need to stop being John Denver tree hugging hippies and stop trying to get me to get in touch with my hippie side.. NOT gonna happen and it's Small, Medium, Large, Learn it, Know it, Get it right, lobster vs owl, Pranks Wars, K-man and so many others). I like being different, be unique, being genuine. Honesty is not a goal, but a way of life. Tears don't always mean your sad and pain reminds you to appreciate the good times when they come along.

I'm going on a road trip in a few weeks and I'm going to grab life and love it. Am I going to get my picture of my truck on a California beach at sunset? Yes and then I'm going to sit down and listen to the waves as they come crashing along the shoreline. Am I going to smile and make people laugh, meet up with old friends and reminisce about old times, create new ones and see just how much we all haven't changed? Yes I am and I'm going to love every minute of it. I'm going to try new foods, try new adventures, find a piece of my heart that has been missing for so many years. I'm going on a trip to find me again, to find my heart's desire and fall in love with life again. Who knows what else I might find... But whatever it is, I'm sure it will be life changing and I hope for the better.

Don't be afraid to live more, love deeper, laugh louder and just plain old go for it. There is nothing wrong with wanting passion, romantic evenings, laughter or just to be noticed for who you are because of the beauty you hold inside. Every movie, every song, every romance book is based on someone's experience or desire. It truly is the little things that make the difference. Like I said before, a simple conversation can change your life. A joke can give way to a shared memory that will make someone laugh every time they think of it. A tear falling can leave someone wanting to wipe it away for you. A simple hug can make you feel at home. The words "I Love You" can sear into your heart where it will stay forever if said by the right person. Why not try to make some of those happen? I will let you know how my vacation goes... Who knows, I may just find the unexpected...

Until Next Time...

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